12.31.2006

Annual Report




We have audited the activities of Hallmarks of a Lady, Inc. as of December 31, 2006 and the related statements. These statements are the responsibility of Lady at Large and Hallmarks of a Lady management.

A comparison of the Statement of Activities for FY ended Dec 31 2006, 2005 and 2004 reflects a continued decrease in red wine consumption reflected in the chart above*.
The decrease in consumption seems to correlate directly with a decrease in lost wallets, malicious acts of vengeance, home visits by uniformed officers, and overdue library books.

There has also been a steady decline in bathroom haircuts, job and back-up dancer turnover, all numbers which are inversely proportional to memberships attained.

In our opinion, 2006 was a good year.

Happy New Year!




(*For graphic purposes, Bottles of Wine/Year are not represented to scale and should be figured with a multiplier of 10.)

12.25.2006

12.19.2006

No surrender. No escape. No mercy.


Like underwear fresh off of the radiator, the holidays are, for the most part, warm and comforting. Across the street I can see people are sitting in the windows of the Best House, snuggling together in booths, watching football, drinking beers and cutting cheese pizza into bite-sized pieces for their googley-eyed kid. On my side of the street at the coffeeshop, the walls are lined with colorful Christmas lights and there are brilliant red poinsettias on the shelves. It’s quiet except for a holiday CD and the quiet hum of the barista cleaning the espresso machine... It’s almost time to go home. I don’t have any homework. It’s not as cold as it could be. I have affordable internet, family and friends who politely ignore my hang-ups and a warm place to take a dump. If only I liked jazz, everything would be perfect.
There is nothing but tranquility, hot cocoa and valium at every turn. I have no excuse for bitterness and no reason to complain and it drives me crazy

I meditate on the important aspects of my existence as I stroll home. I realize that it isn’t important that I buy everyone great gifts or send out a holiday letter. It’s even less important that I get a used Buell or a dirt bike. And it isn’t important that my editor ever calls me again or that I have a job. Or that I vacuum or brush my teeth or learn to use a fork and knife together or whether or not I have mice in my apartment or repay my student loans or spend hundreds of dollars on disposable clothing items from H&M or ever go on a date with someone who doesn’t smell like they just rolled out of a litter box. And it’s not important whether or not I listen to the Cure or file for a tax refund or drink wine and play darts. None of that is important. What’s important is that I’m always right. There will always be underwear and radiators. And everything else is perfect.

So Happy Holidays.
(Backround Art by Thomas Kinkade. www.thomaskinkade.com)

12.16.2006

You Ate My Dollar


I want my money back. ..


12.10.2006

All I Learned in School



School is over and I am on vacation. It’s great. The last thing I want to do is go to work. The second to last thing I want to do is go home. This is freedom. And freedom feels like wanting to take a nap in the middle of the day, in a public park.

M.Y.O.B



A leggy brunette is sitting in an office chair and shoving her foot into Steve’s mouth as he lies motionless beneath her. Slavesteve is a 36 WM professional, handsome, tall and willing to please…He is also married to the brunette but looking for “open minded people who enjoy and appreciate this life style.”

Thanks to my public profile on MySpace, he’s determined that we live in the same neighborhood and has requested to be my friend. In a moment of hesitation, I consider whether he’s looking for people who appreciate his lifestyle of the lifestyle of his wife. I can see a portion of his face from around polished red toenails. Steve looks an awful lot like my previous boss from the gallery downtown.

And I realize that it is time to make my profile private. My life would be simpler if there were no social web portals and everyone just minded their own business. I would probably have my PhD by now. I might’ve been the President.

In tangible reality, minding your own business is easy. All you need is a bunch of hair. You put it over your face and then you don’t have to pretend that you’re not looking at people because you actually can’t see anyone. This will give you a little more focus to your "zone," making it that much easier to mind your own business.

It can be hard to keep your eyes forward. So wear headphones if you can. Steal a hug from your friend before you walk home and avoid the toe-suckers. If you have to go out in public, sit in a coffee shop and read something interesting enough to keep you focused but innocuous enough to discourage strangers from asking about it. Make eye contact with no one. Try to stay away from being bogged down with getting caught up in being distracted. Mind your own business.

The only problem with minding your own business is that it can get awfully dull behind all that hair. Eventually you may need to sneeze. Or offer directions to someone who looks confused. Or see if your ex has updated their profile to reflect your recent break up. Or assure Mary Kate Olsen's fan-base that there are only 3 calories in a blow job.

Did you know you can get everything from crystal meth to hookers on Craig’s list?

12.06.2006

12.02.2006

Inspiration is Everywhere


What I love most about my life is how easy it is to publish something poignant and funny. I just open up the laptop and there it is, written for me. All I ever do is spell check my thoughts and send them to the publisher. With no regrets.

It’s great that I can write whatever comes to mind and I never have think about the consequences. Because people will like me no matter what I say about them. It’s fiction. Or is it extremely creative non-fiction? I can’t remember which.

Inspiration is everywhere, literally. I am inspired by the stupid things all the stupid people around me say. Publishing gives me the opportunity to exploit these people and to impose my own obscure metaphors on others as if they were universal. Everyone loves it! Because ultimately, the world revolves around me and my metaphors are the key to knowledge and wisdom.

I am especially inspired by stress, a good hangover, a bad date, trips to the dermatologist, injuries and self-detriment in general. But, for me, inspiration is everywhere.

Almost. As a serious author, I’ve got to admit I am completely uninspired by one thing:
Babies…

Unless you’re talking about having babies, in which case I’m totally inspired. Actually, that’s what all of this bull-honkey is about. If I had a baby for every time somebody asked me for a dollar, I would have so many babies. And if I had a dollar for every time a baby smiled at me, I would have at least a dollar. My point being: Babies rule. But I could really use a dollar.

Babies are like people but they can’t argue. Sure, they can complain, but they are unable to articulate themselves so it’s easy to ignore them. They are a lot like City employees in that way. But City employees smoke a lot more. I don’t really like City employees, but they are more inspiring than babies. I guess.