7.23.2006

What Makes Pirates So Great?

Before leaving the house this morning I announced to the family that I would be spending the day “looking for pirate shit.” My Dad inquired, “What do you need pirate shit for?”
“Because Pirates are great.”
Confused, he asked. “What makes Pirates so great?”
I sighed. “Nevermind. I’m just going through a Pirate phase I guess.”

I am 30 years old. I have a background in art history and have written volumes on popular symbolism and semiotics. I also have three hours to kill at the airport, so I will take this opportunity to try explain exactly why pirates are great, aside from the obvious reasons: hidden treasure, bandannas and overseas travel. (As if anyone needed more reasons.)

First of all, Pirates stick together. They love to drink. They carry very cool pistols with ivory and shit on the handle, but they also know how to use swords. Pirates always have an awesome tan and don’t have to apply sunscreen.


Pirates are all about being Pirates. Pirates do not coerce their boyfriends into moving in with them and getting a fucking dog together. Pirates say very little, including “Arrr,” “Aye Aye” and “Shiver me timbers” but you can rest assured that they are always saying what they mean.
Pirates do not watch TV. Pirates often have mustaches.

Pirates DO NOT GET MARRIED AND MOVE TO HOUSES IN THE NORTHEAST.

Pirates love their moms. Pirates love hockey and motorcycles, golf carts, darts and ping pong. Pirates know about technology. Pirates are no bullshit. They are responsible for several important innovations including pirate flags, the poison symbol, eye-patches, PIRACY and probably beef jerky.

Pirates do not have to lie about where they live or work or go to school because they are obviously Pirates and everyone should take comfort in that kind of transparency. It’s unusual.

Contrary to popular belief, Pirates did not just go around “raping and pillaging” villages of innocent peasants. It is a known fact that those villages were frequently inhabited by used car salesmen, accountants, racists and pedophiles.

Pirates do not give blow jobs but they also don’t take themselves too seriously. Pirates love to fart! On a Friday night they can go out with mates, or hang out with old high school buddies. They can discuss local politics, play darts and not talk about being Pirates. Finally, Pirates understand exactly what kind of hassles they will encounter in airport security and are sure to pack all scissors, fingernail clippers in their luggage beforehand. They usually prefer a window seat and can endure long flights and car trips without peeing.

I think as a society, we all have something to gain from learning a little more about Pirates and the Pirate lifestyle.

Here are a few Pirate Resources :


How to Talk Like a Pirate

The Life of Blackbeard