10.27.2006

Is it the future yet?

The Internet is an amazing tool! It revolutionizes every facet of our existence, impacting important scientific developments, dating, shopping and even healthcare. You can get an online diagnosis, spy on your ex, and see pictures of your neighborhood from outer space.

I do everything on the internet. I download required texts, check the weather forecast, look up the bus schedule and talk to old friends. I even have my period on the internet. It’s just that convenient.

One day we will toss aside the old fashioned dedication to “real life” in favor a newer and more convenient myth. In the future absolutely everything that matters will be virtual (kind of like right now, but in 3D). In the future, we will realize that this life is a silly, outdated contraption- not unlike the douche bag or the rotary phone. In the future we won’t need reality because we’ll realize that the constraints and confines of its physical space, matter and laws of physics hinder the business of being human.

When we are all uploaded, ISP’s will still be essential. But instead of providing internet, they will be in the business of maintaining our unfashionably real bodies while we are online. The new reality will be great for the environment since we will no longer have to travel anywhere or do anything. Earth 8.0 is over 1800MHz and processes reality 70 times faster.

The universe will probably continue to expand and contract.

Everything in cyberspace is superior. We will be able to improve and accessorize our virtual selves’ right there. I’ll be able to get breast enhancements without going all the way to Mexico. Racism will be a thing of the past because, for the right price, anyone can be white. And they will be!

People not logged into the net will be useless. There will be some debate as to whether these idle entities should exist at all. Their vital organs will be removed to aid the functioning online community and their unsavory, smelly bodies will go to scrap.
It will be great. In the future we won’t need braces or daycare facilities. All we’ll need is enough credit on Paypal to afford the next great makeover. So get all your usernames and passwords memorized, it’s almost time to live the dream.

10.15.2006

The Jason Smith Project:

Myth intersects with life in mysterious ways. According to MySpace figures [Oct 06], there are over 6800 Jason Smiths in cyberspace. But ladies beware: Jason Smith is everywhere.

The Jason Smith Project (JSP), begun over 20 years ago in Chesapeake VA, seeks to answer persistent archetypal questsions such as: Who is Jason Smith? And what does a headless butterfish have to do with anything?

In mythology Jason Smith was great hero, favored by Hera presumably because he was to play a pivotal role in a great adventure which she carefully planned from Mount Olympus. Coincidentally, Jason was single at the time and had nice arm definition and very pretty eyes.

Nevertheless, Hera held a grudge against King Pelias, Jason’s uncle and usurper of his rightful throne and so she was inclined to aid Jason on various occasions throughout his life and times with the Argonauts.

But Hera wasn’t the only lady Jason had on speed-dial. From day one, Jason was destined to be a player. In the first grade he went out with Kelly McAllister, Tiffany Johnson and Vicki Stein - all in the same week. In the third grade he brought in a lingerie clipping from the Spiegel catalog for show and tell. Many, many women, most notably Medea, were infatuated by his good looks, his devil-may-care attitude and his overall emotional inaccessibility.

Jason was goth in high school, carried clove cigarettes and smelled like a mixture of smoke and aged leather. This drove women crazy and even the other boys had a curious respect for him. He received many favors, skipped classes without rebuke from faculty and dated very pretty girls.

Later in life, Medea fell in love with Jason and gave him magical protection that allowed him to complete various tasks. In reality, Medea did the most important work in obtaining the Golden Fleece for him and wrote a forty page paper comparing Wagner’s Ring Cycle and Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings for his summer independent study credit. In return Jason swore an oath of fidelity and promised to take her with him to Greece.

But despite his good fortune, Jason Smith was, at heart, a self-centered fool. The most tragic thing about his life was that he was never really challenged. Most of his victories were staged in order to inflate his ego and win his affections. Perhaps realizing this sub-consciously, Jason developed a drinking problem and started masturbating compulsively.

His heavy drinking, bed-wetting, and emotional distance did not discourage Medea's love. Jason tried to divorce her. He imagined a happier life with Creusa, daughter of King Creon. Understandably hurt, Medea filled Creusa’s car with headless butterfish and burned both Creon and Creusa to death.

The gods noticed that Jason had broken his promise of fidelity, and so they forced him to wander homeless for many years before he moved back to his mom’s trailer and then joined the army. As an old man he returned to Corinth, where, resting in the shadow of the Argo, he was killed when the prow toppled over on him. Jason’s story appears frequently in literature in blogs, weekly I Love I Hate You's and in Euripides.