5.14.2007

Nightmare


Scenario 1. My boss needs a hot tea. NOW. I go to the microwave to heat up the water and discover a 4-week-old kitten living inside. There is no time to think.
I place the cup of water in the microwave with the kitten and close the door.
I try heating up the water for thirty seconds. Beep Beep Beep.
The kitten is alive. But the water is luke warm.
I try sixty seconds. Beep Beep Beep
The kitten is screaming. The water is warmish.
I try ninety seconds. Beep Beep Beep

Scenario 2. Gino, a 43 year old divorcee and father of two, is driving me around on a vintage Honda. He yells in my ear, "Is this as good for you as it is for me!?" I pretend I can't hear him. He repeats, " Is this as good for you as it is for me!?" He installs a shitty clutch cable, then emails me for the next two years about getting another ride and a tune up.


Scenario 3. It's Friday night. I'm hanging out at a bar with my friends, who are a married couple, and getting relationship advice over Budwieser and calamari.
He says: If you want a man to notice you, buy him a bagel. If you want a man to date, find a foreigner who desperately wants a greencard.
She says: Stay away from men. They are stupid. You can always substitute the happiness they bring to you with fried food and trips to Burlington Coat Factory.




Scenario 4. I look in the mirror. My teeth are falling out. I'm pregnant. I have the baby and it fits in my palm. I have to keep it alive. It's shaking and crying. Before I can give it CPR, it turns into a kitten.




5.12.2007

Vegas, Baby, Vegas


Itinerary: Upcoming Trip to Vegas

Friday: Arrive in Vegas
-Get rich
-Find and marry Future X-husband
Saturday:
- Wear red sunglasses with rhinestone frames shaped like stars
- Acquire a fabulous tan
-Speak with a thick southern accent and purport to be an aspiring show girl
-Sit poolside and sip from a colorful beverage which includes, but is not limited to:
rum, sugar, orange juice, vodka, cherries/strawberries, pineapple, gin (preferably Tanqueray), a live sea creature, a plastic sword and a miniature pink and green umbrella
-Forget own name
Sunday:
-Wear a cowboy hat
- Take pictures of self wearing aforementioned cowboy hat, in front of
a monolithic flamingo
-Take The Big Lebowski tour (if one exists) or
- Hang out in a bathrobe and drink incessantly
-Attend cousin Jake's wedding *

Monday:
Return Home.
Maybe.


*remember to change out of bathrobe

5.06.2007

Shoulda Bought a Boomerang


I thought it would be fun to play in the park. Unfortunately, frisbee requires a partner.