Hey!

You and I don't get along that well.

In fact, I have trouble looking at you out of fear that I might be tempted to relate to you or otherwise engage in your world of deception, evil and catty bullshit. On occasion I have forced myself to make small talk with you-out of some silly, self-imposed obligation to seem professional. These conversations were extremely difficult for a number of reasons, the most significant of which is the fact that you probably you don’t understand anything about me.

And I why should I expect you to understand me?
You suck and I do not; therefore, we have nothing in common.

For your clarification, here are a few important things about me that may aid you in understanding where I stand in relation to you. Use them as a roadmap; not for further conversation, but rather, to help you to not suck so much.

-I can, and sometimes do, read.

-That sound that follows me wherever I go: It’s the sound of most other people laughing at the joke that you don’t think is funny.

-I don’t know anything about horse racing.

-My laughter is sincere. My smile is not.

- Its okay for me to make fun of myself. It is not okay for you to make fun of me.

-The only time I ever went to a country club, I was wearing a tux and handing out meat cubes.

-I believe in the value of the work I do- even if I get paid in jellybeans and have to wear a foam octopus on my head.

On a positive note, I want to thank you for sucking so deeply and truly. Your fervent sucking underscores how awesome I am in comparison and makes the boring, yet inoffensive individuals in my life seem that much more agreeable.

Best,

Olga