Easy Rider

There was a reason the Buddha wandered for years --and it wasn’t because he was busy touring the Midwest with Peter Fonda. He probably spent too much time sitting in cafés, drinking lattes, getting a little belly and thinking about his mom. In essence, he was sort of a buzz-kill.

I’m just like the Buddha but more popular. Most people like me. They say things like “You have such pretty hair.” “You are so funny.” “Be my maid of honor!” “I’m going to name my first child after to you.”

Nevertheless, I relate to Buddha and his self-imposed isolation and it’s not that I have a fear of commitment. Because I don’t.

I have a fear of other people's commitments. To get out of the last relationship I was ensared in, I actually had to chew through my own femur. Now I hobble around with a fifth of gin, shaking my nub at people and offering sage advice. “Always wear a helmet. Moisturize after showers. Don’t date men who wear fishnet…”

It can be so stressful sometimes, knowing everything at such a tender age. I suppose it has its rewards. I am always either content in my omnipotence, or in some cases, pleasantly surprised when my garbage can hasn’t been stolen.

I’m doing pretty well. It's special. I’ve always wanted to be with someone who would leave me alone and I am not particularly good at, nor am I fond of, intimate relationships.

Unfortunately, I am fond of gin and intimacy seems to go really well with gin; as do cigarettes and more gin. The Buddha and I do not have these particular vices in common, which is why he is not touring the countryside with Peter Fonda-and why he will probably never have his head blown off by a homicidal, mustache-fearing redneck.

Race you to the Bodi tree. Fool.

The Jason Smith Project:

Myth intersects with life in mysterious ways. According to MySpace figures [Oct 06], there are over 6800 Jason Smiths in cyberspace. But ladies beware: Jason Smith is everywhere.

The Jason Smith Project (JSP), begun over 20 years ago in Chesapeake VA, seeks to answer persistent archetypal questsions such as: Who is Jason Smith? And what does a headless butterfish have to do with anything?

In mythology Jason Smith was great hero, favored by Hera presumably because he was to play a pivotal role in a great adventure which she carefully planned from Mount Olympus. Coincidentally, Jason was single at the time and had nice arm definition and very pretty eyes.

Nevertheless, Hera held a grudge against King Pelias, Jason’s uncle and usurper of his rightful throne and so she was inclined to aid Jason on various occasions throughout his life and times with the Argonauts.

But Hera wasn’t the only lady Jason had on speed-dial. From day one, Jason was destined to be a player. In the first grade he went out with Kelly McAllister, Tiffany Johnson and Vicki Stein - all in the same week. In the third grade he brought in a lingerie clipping from the Spiegel catalog for show and tell. Many, many women, most notably Medea, were infatuated by his good looks, his devil-may-care attitude and his overall emotional inaccessibility.

Jason was goth in high school, carried clove cigarettes and smelled like a mixture of smoke and aged leather. This drove women crazy and even the other boys had a curious respect for him. He received many favors, skipped classes without rebuke from faculty and dated very pretty girls.

Later in life, Medea fell in love with Jason and gave him magical protection that allowed him to complete various tasks. In reality, Medea did the most important work in obtaining the Golden Fleece for him and wrote a forty page paper comparing Wagner’s Ring Cycle and Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings for his summer independent study credit. In return Jason swore an oath of fidelity and promised to take her with him to Greece.

But despite his good fortune, Jason Smith was, at heart, a self-centered fool. The most tragic thing about his life was that he was never really challenged. Most of his victories were staged in order to inflate his ego and win his affections. Perhaps realizing this sub-consciously, Jason developed a drinking problem and started masturbating compulsively.

His heavy drinking, bed-wetting, and emotional distance did not discourage Medea's love. Jason tried to divorce her. He imagined a happier life with Creusa, daughter of King Creon. Understandably hurt, Medea filled Creusa’s car with headless butterfish and burned both Creon and Creusa to death.

The gods noticed that Jason had broken his promise of fidelity, and so they forced him to wander homeless for many years before he moved back to his mom’s trailer and then joined the army. As an old man he returned to Corinth, where, resting in the shadow of the Argo, he was killed when the prow toppled over on him. Jason’s story appears frequently in literature in blogs, weekly I Love I Hate You's and in Euripides.