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The Splenda Fairy

Is It Lonely at the Bottom of the Sea?

SpongeBob: A Contemporary American Icon

SpongeBob lives in a pineapple under the sea.

In his world, underwater worms bark like dogs and are kept on chains. Jellyfish act like bees; buzzing, stinging, and producing jelly. Aside from the many undersea puns, some common products from the surface world have somehow found their way into Bikini Bottom, such as "canned bread", roast beef, and even pizza. SpongeBob works at the Krusty Krab, a fast-food restaurant and he happens to be the only cartoon to consistently make the Top 10 list in the Nielsen ratings. His cartoon is apparently the first low budget Nickelodeon cartoon to become extremely popular. [1]

What is going on here?

We don’t really think of him as a Sponge, despite that this is clearly expressed in his name. He lives at the bottom of the ocean. Is he supposed to be oppressed or something? The latter half of his name, “Square Pants” reflects that his pants are square. It also allows his name to have a nice melody to it.“SpongeBob Square Pants!”

But it’s hard to ascertain much else about the guy.

Unlike other great American cartoon heroes, SpongeBob does not purport to teach us anything. Now that even 5 year olds are becoming scathing cynics, SpongeBob fills an entertainment void without being veiled in morals and meaning. He teaches us nothing and we breathe a sigh of relief because that’s about all we can commit to.

From an educational standpoint he enriches children as much as any other 99 cent bag of Funions and Kool-Aid. It is one example of how we can acclimate youth into a culture of the absurd-a reality wherein people inject plastic into their bodies, vacation in outer space, live on the internet and build nuclear weapons in order to take over the world.


We can’t argue with SpongeBob because he’s not making any arguments. He symbolizes nothing for just about everyone. From a marketing standpoint, this puts SpongeBob at a strategic advantage. He was born from a cleverly designed logic model conceived to create a being that could be mass produced to the widest audience at the lowest possible cost for the longest time. Congratulations Nickelodeon.

Weird but palatable, SpongeBob is easily pimped across ethic and socio-economic segments. Our adoption of him is safe, because everything about him, from his status as a sponge- to cheap digital watches and backpacks-is completely disposable. He is the king of Post-post modernity.

His profoundly meaningless world might even make him “timeless.” No 70’s mustache. No skinny tie. No bulky palm-pilot to laugh at in 2 years. Unfortunately, you can’t kill him either. He’s a sponge.

In an interview with Oprah last week, Oprah asked, “How has it been living at the bottom of the ocean? Do you feel you’ve been oppressed?” After a long pause, SpongeBob blinked and made a squeaky noise.


And what of our old cartoon favorites? Captain Planet? The Ninja Turtles? Looney Tunes?

I’m afraid that Captain Planet and the Planeteers; Heart, Fire, Wind, Water, and Earth, have been ousted from the entertainment business for good. They can be spotted on any weekday afternoon around 17th and Walnut in their bright “Save the Children” shirts and three-ring binders, hustling strangers for contributions. “Hey! Hi There! Excuse me! How are you today, Sir?”

The social implications of Sponge Bob’s rise to prominence are simple. We love SpongeBob. His rise to fame reminds of our own Godless existence, devoid of logic and safety, celebrating the unpredictable and absurd.
[1] From Wikipedia. Sept 16th 2006. See Title Link.

Rocky

The August 3rd Inquirer article concerning the relocation of Rocky to art museum steps suggested that the Art Commission was staunchly opposed to the idea of moving the statue so close to the art museum for a number of reasons. Penny Balkin Bach, director of the Fairmount Park Art Association was quoted saying, "There's not a public swell to have it there" and local artist, Moe Brooker, even indicated that the Rocky statue isn't art.

Nevertheless, the interest in the debate, on the streets, in print and online reflects that the public is paying attention. So far, Philadelphians are in overwhemlingly in favor of moving the statue to the museum, regardless of bluenose critics who point to a deficit in the artistic integrity of the whole affair.

To argue as to whether or not Rocky is art, is to delve back into the outdated postulations from early 20 th Century art criticism. Ironically, Duchamp's "Fountain," a porcelain urinal signed "R.Mutt" sits in a gallery just on the other side of the art museum walls as a testament to how the opinions of art critics are less than enduring.

Rocky, whether we like it or not, is an icon from popular urban mythology in Philadelphia . If the she-wolf and her cubs deserve a place in Rome, Rocky deserves a place close to this city's heart. It's from a movie. But I'd point out that Philadelphia is still a young city compared to its European counterparts. Hence, our urban myths and heritage are derived from stories ingrained in the consciousness of the 21st Century public audience, stories from popular culture, from various fictional accounts, and even from movies...

The public loves Rocky because he embodies the spirit of the Philadelphia . He is an underdog who made it to the top, or at least to the top of the art museum steps. In the year 2006, Rocky is our Romulus. 100 years from now, when movies are obsolete, maybe those critical members of the arts community will come down from their pedestal of pretension and snobbery to join Rocky and the rest of Philadelphia at the base of the art museum steps. Until then, we can be grateful to live in a city where the public engages in a debate that affects the urban landscape for future generations.

All the Bitches Wanna Get With Me

What We Stand to Learn from Pirates

What Makes Pirates So Great?

Before leaving the house this morning I announced to the family that I would be spending the day “looking for pirate shit.” My Dad inquired, “What do you need pirate shit for?”
“Because Pirates are great.”
Confused, he asked. “What makes Pirates so great?”
I sighed. “Nevermind. I’m just going through a Pirate phase I guess.”

I am 30 years old. I have a background in art history and have written volumes on popular symbolism and semiotics. I also have three hours to kill at the airport, so I will take this opportunity to try explain exactly why pirates are great, aside from the obvious reasons: hidden treasure, bandannas and overseas travel. (As if anyone needed more reasons.)

First of all, Pirates stick together. They love to drink. They carry very cool pistols with ivory and shit on the handle, but they also know how to use swords. Pirates always have an awesome tan and don’t have to apply sunscreen.

Pirates are all about being Pirates. Pirates do not coerce their boyfriends into moving in with them and getting a fucking dog together. Pirates say very little, including “Arrr,” “Aye Aye” and “Shiver me timbers” but you can rest assured that they are always saying what they mean.
Pirates do not watch TV. Pirates often have mustaches.

Pirates DO NOT GET MARRIED AND MOVE TO HOUSES IN THE NORTHEAST.

Pirates love their moms. Pirates love hockey and motorcycles, golf carts, darts and ping pong. Pirates know about technology. Pirates are no bullshit. They are responsible for several important innovations including pirate flags, the poison symbol, eye-patches, PIRACY and probably beef jerky.

Pirates do not have to lie about where they live or work or go to school because they are obviously Pirates and everyone should take comfort in that kind of transparency. It’s unusual.

Contrary to popular belief, Pirates did not just go around “raping and pillaging” villages of innocent peasants. It is a known fact that those villages were frequently inhabited by used car salesmen, accountants, racists and pedophiles.

Pirates do not give blow jobs but they also don’t take themselves too seriously. Pirates love to fart! On a Friday night they can go out with mates, or hang out with old high school buddies. They can discuss local politics, play darts and not talk about being Pirates. Finally, Pirates understand exactly what kind of hassles they will encounter in airport security and are sure to pack all scissors, fingernail clippers in their luggage beforehand. They usually prefer a window seat and can endure long flights and car trips without peeing.

I think as a society, we all have something to gain from learning a little more about Pirates and the Pirate lifestyle.

Here are a few Pirate Resources :

How to Talk Like a Pirate

The Life of Blackbeard