M.Y.O.B

A leggy brunette is sitting in an office chair and shoving her foot into Steve’s mouth as he lies motionless beneath her. Slavesteve is a 36 WM professional, handsome, tall and willing to please…He is also married to the brunette but looking for “open minded people who enjoy and appreciate this life style.”

Thanks to my public profile on MySpace, he’s determined that we live in the same neighborhood and has requested to be my friend. In a moment of hesitation, I consider whether he’s looking for people who appreciate his lifestyle of the lifestyle of his wife. I can see a portion of his face from around polished red toenails. Steve looks an awful lot like my previous boss from the gallery downtown.

And I realize that it is time to make my profile private. My life would be simpler if there were no social web portals and everyone just minded their own business. I would probably have my PhD by now. I might’ve been the President.

In tangible reality, minding your own business is easy. All you need is a bunch of hair. You put it over your face and then you don’t have to pretend that you’re not looking at people because you actually can’t see anyone. This will give you a little more focus to your "zone," making it that much easier to mind your own business.

It can be hard to keep your eyes forward. So wear headphones if you can. Steal a hug from your friend before you walk home and avoid the toe-suckers. If you have to go out in public, sit in a coffee shop and read something interesting enough to keep you focused but innocuous enough to discourage strangers from asking about it. Make eye contact with no one. Try to stay away from being bogged down with getting caught up in being distracted. Mind your own business.

The only problem with minding your own business is that it can get awfully dull behind all that hair. Eventually you may need to sneeze. Or offer directions to someone who looks confused. Or see if your ex has updated their profile to reflect your recent break up. Or assure Mary Kate Olsen's fan-base that there are only 3 calories in a blow job.

Did you know you can get everything from crystal meth to hookers on Craig’s list?

Is it the future yet?

The Internet is an amazing tool! It revolutionizes every facet of our existence, impacting important scientific developments, dating, shopping and even healthcare. You can get an online diagnosis, spy on your ex, and see pictures of your neighborhood from outer space.

I do everything on the internet. I download required texts, check the weather forecast, look up the bus schedule and talk to old friends. I even have my period on the internet. It’s just that convenient.

One day we will toss aside the old fashioned dedication to “real life” in favor a newer and more convenient myth. In the future absolutely everything that matters will be virtual (kind of like right now, but in 3D). In the future, we will realize that this life is a silly, outdated contraption- not unlike the douche bag or the rotary phone. In the future we won’t need reality because we’ll realize that the constraints and confines of its physical space, matter and laws of physics hinder the business of being human.

When we are all uploaded, ISP’s will still be essential. But instead of providing internet, they will be in the business of maintaining our unfashionably real bodies while we are online. The new reality will be great for the environment since we will no longer have to travel anywhere or do anything. Earth 8.0 is over 1800MHz and processes reality 70 times faster.

The universe will probably continue to expand and contract.

Everything in cyberspace is superior. We will be able to improve and accessorize our virtual selves’ right there. I’ll be able to get breast enhancements without going all the way to Mexico. Racism will be a thing of the past because, for the right price, anyone can be white. And they will be!

People not logged into the net will be useless. There will be some debate as to whether these idle entities should exist at all. Their vital organs will be removed to aid the functioning online community and their unsavory, smelly bodies will go to scrap.
It will be great. In the future we won’t need braces or daycare facilities. All we’ll need is enough credit on Paypal to afford the next great makeover. So get all your usernames and passwords memorized, it’s almost time to live the dream.