What the hell is it for?

Excuse me, Mam! Mam! Before you get on that bus, I gotta show you this great thing!

What?
This thing, right here. Take a look for yourself.

God. That’s so weird. What’s it for?
Well… It’s magical and for just 2 dollars, it’s yours.

But why do I need it?
It makes lewd sucking noises.

That’s great. But can it solve my problems?…
Of course. It’s very creative.

Is it art?
No. But it can drink red wine and look completely un-amused at hockey games.

I see. So is it ,like, a paperweight or something?
It can do that.

Sorry. I don’t think I need it, whatever it is.
No. Wait!... It…it can open jars too… And it’s yours for just one dollar.

It’s a jar opener?
Not exactly. But it has a lot of related experience.

Look, whatever it is, I don’t need one of those.
In that case, can I get two bucks? I really need to get on this bus.

Market Principle

Statistically speaking, I am likely to land a job eventually. The more interviews I go on, the more likely I am to get one right. By some act of God or administrative desperation, some organization will hire me whether or not my fly is down or if I have toilet paper stuck to my shoe. Otherwise, I don’t know…I’m too old to do anything sexy and get paid for it but maybe I could get paid doing things for people who can get paid for being sexy. For example, I could “bathe the maidens” at the XXX Forum on 23rd & Market Street.

I’ve also looked into selling the contents of my ovaries locally, but I’m too old to do that too. My brother gave me a tip that In NYC they’ll take eggs up through age 34 but the clinic wants to monitor you every day for 2 weeks while they pump you full of hormones.

I’m not sure what my problem is. It could be that, even in an interview setting, I absolutely cannot pass up a chance to make a good joke. I also have trouble asserting anything about myself without negating it in the very next sentence. And as it turns out, I really, really enjoy not working.

I can justify my unemployment with a little economic model called “The Law of Supply and Demand.” I do not work because no one is paying me to work.

It’s the founding principle of a free market, dude. The lack of demand for my services is justly reflected by the absence of my services. I’m only being responsible to the market.

In fact, no one is paying me to do anything. And until I do find a job, I am more than happy to pass the time drinking free trade coffee for hours until I can actually feel the sweat droplets forming in my balmy armpits and cascading down my sides. By night, I play darts, take Cha Cha lessons and most recently, bowl. It’s probably un-American of me, but for the time being, this totally feels worth whatever I’m not making.

False Impressions, False Pride