The Rap Video

4 out of 5 construction workers, men in unhappy marriages and my former therapist agree: I have sex appeal.

In my rap video, I proclaim that “all the bitches wanna get with me” as I am surrounded by a team of muscular and horny backup dancers who nod in sync with the base beat so as to confirm this obvious truth. Men rush to my aid as I approach an intersection, throwing their expensively hand-tailored blazers into rancid street-side puddles to prevent me from soiling my sneakers. My sex appeal means I never open a door for myself, I’ve never spent a dime of my own money and I am never subjected to the smell of raw sewage. As I traverse the subway vent on a beautiful afternoon, a cool breeze blows my white dress up from around my calves and every man in a three mile radius whistles in synchronous melody.

Or not.

Regardless of all the wife-beaters, forty ounces and cheap jewelry in my life, my rap video is suspiciously devoid of bitches.

The rap video, being the definitive indicator of both sex appeal and social health, is a facet of everyday life I take pretty seriously. I don’t allow just any bitch to make an appearance on the back of my Ducati- only to be spotted next week in Lil Kim’s video, licking Courvoisier off her fat toes.

There is a relatively simple formula I recommend using to determine which bitches to be in your rap video. I divide my bitches into two basic camps.

1. Bitches who want to play motorcycles
2. Bitches who do not want to play motorcycles


Bitches who want to play motorcycles will call whether or not you’ve made plans. They will do anything to play motorcycles, including, but not limited to, plowing you with alcohol and making bogus claims to clean your carburetor.

On the other hand, bitches who do not want to play motorcycles can be more difficult to identify. They do not make requests to play motorcycles. They may not notice you, they avoid eye contact and are not prompt to return phone calls. They may even seem blatantly uninterested in motorcycles and red-heads. Bitches who do not want to play motorcycles are basically self-obsessed, narcissistic homosexuals.

Nevertheless, either type of bitch qualifies to at least audidion for the video. I find that bitches who want to play motorcycles are more likely to provide consistent, dependable back-up footage. Meanwhile, those in the latter group, uninterested in playing motorcylces, are probably already cast as lead bitch in someone else’s rap video or are otherwise too busy jerking off in the mirror to be bothered.

More on bitches and rap videos to come...