Is it the future yet?

The Internet is an amazing tool! It revolutionizes every facet of our existence, impacting important scientific developments, dating, shopping and even healthcare. You can get an online diagnosis, spy on your ex, and see pictures of your neighborhood from outer space.

I do everything on the internet. I download required texts, check the weather forecast, look up the bus schedule and talk to old friends. I even have my period on the internet. It’s just that convenient.

One day we will toss aside the old fashioned dedication to “real life” in favor a newer and more convenient myth. In the future absolutely everything that matters will be virtual (kind of like right now, but in 3D). In the future, we will realize that this life is a silly, outdated contraption- not unlike the douche bag or the rotary phone. In the future we won’t need reality because we’ll realize that the constraints and confines of its physical space, matter and laws of physics hinder the business of being human.

When we are all uploaded, ISP’s will still be essential. But instead of providing internet, they will be in the business of maintaining our unfashionably real bodies while we are online. The new reality will be great for the environment since we will no longer have to travel anywhere or do anything. Earth 8.0 is over 1800MHz and processes reality 70 times faster.

The universe will probably continue to expand and contract.

Everything in cyberspace is superior. We will be able to improve and accessorize our virtual selves’ right there. I’ll be able to get breast enhancements without going all the way to Mexico. Racism will be a thing of the past because, for the right price, anyone can be white. And they will be!

People not logged into the net will be useless. There will be some debate as to whether these idle entities should exist at all. Their vital organs will be removed to aid the functioning online community and their unsavory, smelly bodies will go to scrap.
It will be great. In the future we won’t need braces or daycare facilities. All we’ll need is enough credit on Paypal to afford the next great makeover. So get all your usernames and passwords memorized, it’s almost time to live the dream.